"im not dead yet"

its aug 31st. its the 1st day of school at sdsu for most. not me. kinda weird for me to say that. i guess it finally hit me that i graduated and didnt have to go back..

..i woke up a lil before noon. and just...laid in bed, thinking...the past weekend was on my mind..

..my bro, matt, had recently lost his grandmother. us among others did some questionable things this past weekend that kinda shined a light on some things that were put in the dark and forgotten for the most part. he said he had lost her, didnt really get to know her or spend time with her. regretted it. ive been thru that. i was much younger at the time, and lookin back on it, i think my grandma on my dad's side woulda been more lively or stayed alive or wanted to stay alive longer than she actually did. theres somethin about just bein around and interacting with family or just those u love that adds years to a lifetime..

so.

i call up my parents who r back in SD from AZ.. and ask em if theyve eaten yet and offer to take em out. haha.. my dad is who picked up the phone, and u know wat he says?...hes like, "are you ok, son?""r u gonna pay for us?!?!""wheres this coming from?""i mean, i wanna give u a hug right now!". haha! yeah.. i guess it is a lil outta the ordinary, so the reaction was somewhat expected...i guess thats wat i woulda said too, haha.

they pick me up and we go eat in natl city, some good ol filipino food at conching's. love it, haha. and my mom, bein the social butterfly she is who seems to know almost every other fuckin filipino mom in SD, haha, knew the lady at conchings. so she hooked it up with hella extra food servings than usual. thanks mom, and ur friend, who somewhat recognized me!, haha. we eat and talk. it felt like i was a kid again eating with my parents when my mom started cutting up the fish and sifting thru it to take out the little bones in em so i didnt have to do it. then my dad said to my mom, "your such a mom, but im not saying its a bad thing". haha. true. shes always tryin to do everything for her kids, even the smallest shit. love it. and i appreciate it more than ever.

then i ask if they can go take me to go visit my grandma (my mom's mom). they were like sure. so turns out..she lives near the movie theatres in hillcrest. crazy.. id see that place before but it meant nothing before, haha..

we go in. kinda freaky cuz its like a mad house in there.. the old ppl are walkin around and sayin some random ass crazy shit while staring you in the face. feels like theyre gonna flip out on u at any moments notice. we ask for my grandma rosalina bulanadi. and one of the nurses asks my mom for approval for a CT scan on my grandma to look for signs of dementia and memory problems because of the things shes been sayin and stuff. great.

so..we find the room and my mom is tryin to see if she would remember us. yeah.. nope. it was ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. seeing a family member not remember u. it felt like the scenes in 'the notebook' where Allie could just not remember Noah...

my parents kept tryin to get her to remember and slowly...with little snippets of memories, slowly trickled in. she would like go in and out of memories. jumbling and fusing the past and present memories between each other. at one point. she got really emotional. she was telling us bout how it was goin here at the nursing home cuz my mom asked if she was doin ok here...

my grandma started tearing up, saying it sucks here and that shes not feeling good. and my mom was like, wats the problem? and rosie goes, "icao!"(sp? ,my tagalog is horrible but i believe that means 'you'). she was like, "im so lonely here, u dont visit anymore, u only call sometimes, its like...its like...you forgot about me." damn... i was kneeling down next to her bed, and i was looking at her eyes. i saw how she was feeling. i saw her eyes starting water. this rush of emotion filled my chest and eyes as well. i guess it was part guilt and remembrance of wat ive been throughout my college career, and remembering how many times i would think about her, and NOT go to actually visit her, and thinking about how my grandma on my dad's side went thru the SAME thing, and realizing, that im DOING THE SAME THING with her too. i started balling my eyes out. i tried holding it back, i couldnt. i stood up, i turned my back and i started crying my eyes out. my dad came over and i started crying on his chest. i dont remember the last time i cried in front of parents while they were tryin to console me...

... then... my grandma, like the grandma of old, and like mind set that she passed on to my mom, goes on and says to me, "why are you crying? stop crying...im not dead yet". haha, thats what id say if i was her. thats exactly wat my mom would say too. she tells me to come over and give her a hug. so i do. i sit by her and embrace her hands and arms.

we talk to her. at the start i can see wat the nurse was saying bout her memory and dementia. she would confuse memories from the early past when she was raising her 3 kids in the philippines with the memories of a few years ago when she was living on her own in an apartment and working at an elementary school. she would combine then as if they happened yesterday. but correcting her and talking to her. she would slowly gain back her memory. just like in 'the notebook' reminding her of the past brought her back. she would come back for a lil bit, then leave again and say somethin from her past. or she would confuse the nurses for her kids. but her memory and mind was still there. she was able to eventually remember me, and my dad, and my mom. and she was able to rememmber the month and day of the birthdates of her 3 kids without any help. it was both amazing and thrilling but at the same time sad, to see your grandma be like that. but there was good that came out of it. one of the things she said to me and repeated saying was, "thank you, you made me so happy today to see all of you, you really made my day, im so happy right now". =) man. theres so much to say bout it all but ima stop for now. her birthday is on sept 4. shes gonna be 81. ill see ya there on friday grandma. love u.

then. there was traffic goin back south. so i decided to go to sycuan with my parents to play bingo. spend more time with em. didnt win, but i made back my money playing blackjack. woohoo! haha. my mom won like 50 bucks too. they took me home after that.

today was a good day.

movin on up...to the south side.. with my lil bro and sis

movin all my stuff to rich's pad.. and moved u guys to the house on camino ternura..

livin at josh and rich's pad is quite teh upgrade from west falls. damn..i feel like a king up here. the ride to work sucks tho.

update*

the house on camino ternura down in IB is no longer there for us.. my dogs had to be moved out.. so princess is with my sister, and i used my last paycheck to pay a dog sitter in el cajon to take care of raijin til the 10th of september. i dunno where your gonna go after that raijin.. ill figure somethin out tho.

almost found a new place with rj, tommy, and kyle. but kyle backed out and thus we couldnt afford any of the places. there was a couple rooms at the bonillo condos, no pets allowed so thats a no for me, but rj had to move in and told me so because well sdsu starts on monday.

wtf am i gon do now?! haha. shit.

----

someone said to me that im selfish for trying to keep my dogs when i obviously cant support em or give em a good life. they said that it would be easier for me too and i wouldnt have to worry bout all this.

u know wat. FUCK YOU.

yes it would be MUCH easier to just give em up. i would have a lot more money to spend on me if i did. ive lived with em for almost a decade. theyre family to me. weve been thru a lot. the year i had at west falls with them was the best. i got to understand them more. yes they probably would have a better life in a nice ass home with someone else if i gave em up and found someone else for em. but shit, why does that matter? its like say if my mom gave me up for adoption cuz she couldnt afford to have or raise me. i would fuckin hate my mom for that. i dont care how i live, its all bout who i live it with. i dont care bout any hard times i go thru, as long as im goin thru it with them. if i gave em up, i woulda found a place to live with the quickness. but fuck it, if i have to, ill live on the street bummin it with em til we can find some place that will let pets live there too.

raijin and princess, i love yall, tough times dont last, tough ppl do. the upturn will come.. promise.

the final days..

end of july, entering august...

clean out, movin out.. the room looked a lot bigger with all mine and shamu's shit outta the way..

one crazy thing tho.. or more than one crazy thing, haha... the last months of living at the west falls house...we started gettin a mice problem.. and moving out made it apparent how much of a problem that was.. i found mickey trapped in my souvenir budweiser beer cup (pictured below).. and..

also one of em were stuck in the socket outlet that i plugged my tv into.. well that explains when my tv shorted out a couple times haha..

that house was gross.. it started out fucked up... we just fucked it up even more.. good times at the house tho.. fun while it lasted..

ever wondered what teachers do on their summer vacation?

*pics of actual faces were not included for the privacy and reputation of the hard working teachers of america* haha

-------

had work from 3-11pm...

homeward bound on the trolley from old town at 1130pm..

trolley is pretty empty. then a couple of middle aged white ladies come in lookin for the trolley that will take them to fashion valley. they walk in and say..im sorry...u prolly just got off work and are thinkin 'fuck! i gotta deal with these drunk bitches on my ride home?'. yup...exactly wat i was thinking, haha. they then leave and think its the other one... so that lady goes,'oh i guess u dont have to deal with us!'.. the trolley is bout to get movin..and right before it does... a BIG ASS GROUP of about 25-30 middle aged white ladies come in and sit right next to me and surround me...and the girl that came in earlier..was like.. 'ope, i guess u do! hahahaha(loud drunk laughter)'.

so.. i get in a conversation with the drunk woman sitting across from me...who has a beer pinata(pictured below)..

...i was like...why do u have that?!..she was like...we were at the town and country bar in old town...and they didnt wanna give me anymore alcohol so i took this thing...and they wouldnt let me hit it either*sad face*. haha. there is this ONE SOBER WOMAN...sitting behind me... she keeps apologizing to me...shes like...im sooo sorry... im sorry u have to tolerate a bunch of drunk teachers...

...WHOA WHOA WHOA...wait...did u say...drunk...'TEACHERS'? haha. shes like..yeah, were teachers. im like really?! i knew it! thats wat teachers do on summer vacation...they get hammered! i was like..where u guys from? they said...arizona... nice...

one of em...then tried to sit on me...i was like..uh...and politely tried to push her off... 2 min later..she passed out on the pinata girl.. haha. one of the hot teachers (only like 5 outta the 25ish were hot) was bout to try to flash everyone..but the damn sober fun vampire teacher stopped her. great -____- thanks...MOM. geez... the one middle aged white male teacher that was there... was askin me how 'pimp' it was to have 25 women with him. i was like..r u like the principal or somethin? cuz right now...like mr belding, im sayin, 'hey hey hey hey hey what is goin on here?!?!?' haha. he starts a rant that gets added on by almost everyone... sayin...FUCKIN KIDS! THEYRE THE ONES THAT MAKE US DRINK LIKE THIS!...haahhaha...i knew it! so the truth comes out.

at their stop at fashion valley...the 'principal' gives me a fist bump. hahahahha.

after they leave...

this big black dude is chattin it up with this punjabi guru dude from india. at the next stop...this red dot indian girl sits next to her fellow indian. the 3 are blurrily pictured below...



...the black dude starts talkin her bout arranged marriages...and if she was scared of him when she first saw him. he was like,'u were scared of me?' she was like...'why would i be scared'. he goes,'well most ppl/women are, they see a big black guy at night on the trolley, and they get scared'. i start laughing out loud. this black dude tries to spit game at her the whole time til the last stop at sdsu. me and the guy behind them make eye contact...and laugh at his attempt, haha.

Gaby's 21st at Fred's in PB...what would i do for a free meal?...

Happy 21st Bday to Gaby!

----------------

Gaby was having her 21st bday dinner in PB at Fred's. I go ride over there with matt, rj, and mk. anneliese, christine, oj, kim, rachel were there too. bj gets there too. so im hungry as hell.. havent eaten the whole day. i get 3 different tacos, i think it was shrimp, steak and fish tacos. i get my food... and my best friend ashley (pictured below)...

...is sittin next to me. there is this red chili pepper on my plate (pictured below)...

...and ashley goes... i dare u to eat that pepper. hah! u crazy woman!. im not doin that. so she goes, ill pay for ur food if u do. awwwwwwwwwww shiiiiit... me + free food = do almost anything. haha. so now im like, ALRIGHT...ILL DO IT!....

...2 words...BAD...IDEA....heres a series of pictures that illustrates said 2 words(captioned with the thoughts runnin thru my head)...

ONE BITE...
ok ok...its just a little hot...not thaaaat bad...

fuuuuuuuuck...ok....its baaaad...real bad....michael jackson... fuuuuck...oh my god....

...WHY DID I DO THIS?!? HOT DAMN!! ITS NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!!! ITS NOOOTTTT! AHHH...MAKE IT STOP!...vision....gettting....blurry like this pic.....body...tingling...all over...it feels like im on...drugs...wtf is goin on here?!...


ashley asks the waitress to get me some milk for me...after first laughing at my face and agony..she takes a good 10 min before she comes back -_____-...meanwhile...i cant talk...like...it paralyzed my oral motor functions..and i couldnt open my mouth or talk clearly..its was just....gibberish... sounded perfect to me...until everyone i tried talkin to gave me a look like i was crazy and they couldnt understand anythin i was sayin. haha.

...i couldnt taste my food...it wore off after a while...i tasted bout half my food...shit was bomb tho! haha. worth it in the end? hell yeah. for those moments during the pepper...FUCK NO. haha.